Hey there my little Bats and Pumpkins,
I’ve been quiet, yes I know. There are some facebook updates and I’m doing my best to stay on top of instragram (and I’ll be starting a Vegan Bat Recipes Insta shortly – subscribe to stay updated) and I’m back here starting today.
So I still haven’t bought my new laptop yet (c’mon man I’m just holding out here), but I have gotten into the hang of uni, done the wedding (okay I’m still working on the thank you’s and trying to budget in a honeymoon somewhere at some time, but the wedding itself is done and I’m married … what kind of crazy magical weird perfection is this?). I’ve got so many things to update you all on and I surely will, but for today; today I’m going to finish off my surgery story.
I realised a moment ago that I forgot to post my surgery prep posts, so my food post is up and I may put up my other prep post at some point (it’s nice to have a few in the bank); now to get down to business. I’m disappointed guys, I am. I’ve been trying to be positive and I’ll keep on with that, but I can’t deny I’m disappointed. I knew to expect this and I did, I prepared myself, I did everything right – prepared myself for all the possible outcomes and still maintained some hope or a positive attitude, so my head wouldn’t ‘negative placebo affect’ itself (yes I’m making terms up).
So I’m still in pain; I’m still in chronic, everyday pain. I know it could be worse, many have it worse, with permanent catheters, colostomy bags, frozen pelvis, organ damage, breathing problems, bladder problems, nerve damage/paralysis etc etc etc. I’ve just got pain; I’m aware of that, I’m aware of how lucky I am and Lord knows I’m grateful.
It’s okay to struggle with that pain though. It’s okay.
So I had my post-op appointment; chronic pain is not due to endometriosis, it’s due to sensitized nervous pathways from the constant pain associated with endometriosis. They took all the endo out and constant pain is okay, I should only get worried if it starts to get worse cyclically again … except my pain has never been cyclic. It didn’t present that way and it only appeared that way for the space of 2 or 3 months about 5 years ago; before that and after that, the pain was constant and constantly too high and everywhere and every type for me to be able to separate any of it in my mind. So I guess I’ll keep an eye out for cyclic pain, even though I have a mirena and no longer have cycles and never had cyclic pain. The medical system does not know how to deal with this disease; they don’t know what they’re dealing with or what they’re doing.
To deal with the chronic pain they have given me antidepressants. Now I know they act on the nervous system, I’ve tried different ones before for the chronic pain and I’ve been on antidepressants for depression before; let me reiterate, there is nothing wrong with taking antidepressants or suffering from biochemical illnesses which we (society) label as mental illnesses. For whatever reason I always feel ashamed and embarrassed when I get antidepressants for chronic pain, like it’s all in my head. I know all the reasons I shouldn’t, believe me I know.
- Antidepressants are nothing to be ashamed of – I’m not ashamed of taking them when they are prescribed for my depression and I am not ashamed of my depression.
- Antidepressants are a chemical drug that work on a chemical disease process.
- Antidepressants affect the nervous system, this side effect is what makes them effective at treating sensitized nerve pathways – they are not even treating a pain that is in my head and even if they were there would be nothing wrong with that.
- No one is implying the pain is in my head, it’s in my nervous system and they are treating my nervous system
Ugh guys, this is confusing and it sucks. Why do I feel like I’m being told the pain is in my head and I need to get over it? Probably just because I have had so many doctors tell me similar things. There is so much wrong with the medical system, so much wrong.
The other thing they suggested is Pelvic Floor Physiotherapy. This is invasive, uncomfortable in every way, expensive, not accessible to most people and something I have wanted to try, but thought I would not be able to. I’ve been listed as category 2 (of 2 categories), so we’ll see if I get in sometime within the next 2 years (which would be shorter than either of my surgical waiting lists) and see what the hospital charges or how many sessions I can financially attain.
I want to be positive about all of this and I am excited for the prospect of treatment, however terrifying it is. I am so disappointed in the medical system and tired of the sexism that prevents any further advancing of the understanding of this disease and the potential treatments for it. Waiting on a surgical wait-list for so long that I have permanent nerve damage and chronic pain, when surgery is ineffective and invasive at best. This is bullshit. And being accused of imagining my pain, exaggerating my pain, and being generally naive and hysterical. This is bullshit. I’m over it.
With Offerings of Pumpkins and Kindness,
xoxx The Vegan Bat